1. You can enjoy a beer all month. *
2. Beer stains wash out. *
3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer. *
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car. *
5. When beer goes flat you toss it out. *
6. Beer is never late. *
7. hangovers eventually go away. *
8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer. *
9. Beer labels come off without a fight. *
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer. *
11. Beer never has a headache. *
12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime. *
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath. *
14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head. *
15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty. *
16. A beer always goes down gently. *
17. You can share a beer with your friends and enemies. *
18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer. *
19. A beer is always wet. *
20. Beer doesn't demand equality. *
21. A beer doesn't care when you come. *
22. You can have a beer in public. *
23. A frigid beer is a good beer. *
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good. *
25. Beer always comes in multiples of six. *
26. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left. *
27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer. *
28. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle. *
29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty. *
30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another. *
31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod. *
32. Beer looks the same in the morning. *
33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month. *
34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in. *
35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids. *
36. Beer doesn't get cramps. *
37. Beer doesn't have a mother. *
38. Beer doesn't have morals. *
39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month. *
40. Beer always listens and never argues. *
41. Beer labels don't go out of style every year. *
42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles. *
43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet. *
44. Beer doesn't demand legality. *
45. Beer is never overweight. *
46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony. *
47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards. *
48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer. *
49. Beer doesn't need much closet space. *
50. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things. *
51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive. *
52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch. *
53. Beer never changes its mind. *
54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get. *
55. Beer never asks you to change the station. *
56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping. *
57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass. *
58. Beer will never make you go to a Swedish movie. *
59. Beer is always easy to pick up. *
60. Big, fat beers are nice to have. *
61. Beer doesn't pout or play games. *
62. Beer NEVER says no. *
63. Beer is easy to get into. *
64. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere. *
65. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers. *
66. Beer doesn't wear a bra. *
67. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty. *
68. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity. *
69. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper. *
70. Beer doesn't live with its mother. *
71. Beer doesn't blow you off. *
72. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners. *
73. Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry. *
74. Beer doesn't mind football season. *
75. A beer won't make you go to church. *
76. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman. *
77. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit. *
78. A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose". *
79. A beer doesn't give a toss if you keep a bunch of other beers around. *
80. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with the babies are "cute". *
81. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while. *
82. A beer will not call you a sexist pig *
83. A beer will never make you see its parents *
84. A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads. *
85. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up. *
86. A beer will never stop you from watching Playboy. *
87. A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt. *
88. A beer won't smoke in your car. *
89. A beer never watchs opera. *
90. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission. *
91. A beer will never complain when you disobey nature. *
92. A beer is always ready to leave on time. *
93. A beer never fishes for compliments. *
94. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits. *
95. Beer tastes good. *
96. A beer will never accuse you of rape. *
97. A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watchin *
98. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it. *
99. A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the store.

Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

*****

Pappu, while filling up a form: Dad, what should I write against mother
tongue.?
Santa: Very long!

*****

Teacher: Pappu, TAMSO MA JYOTIR GAMYA" shloka ka kya arth hai?
Pappu: Tum so jayo maa, mein Jyoti ke pass ja raha hoon.

*****

Preeto: Raat ko aap peeke gutter mein gir gaye the.
Banta: Kya bataoon, sub galat sangati ka asar hai, hum 4 dost... 1 bottle,
aur woh teeno kambhakt peeten nahin.

*****

Banta ek sadhu se bola" Baba, meri biwi bahut pareshan karti hai, koi upay
batao.
Sadhu: Beta, upaay hota to main sadhu kyun banta?

*****

Frog: Tumhare paas dimaag nahin hai.
Santa: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai.
Santa: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai & jumps into the well.
Santa: Isme suicide karne waali kya baat thi.?

*****

Santa was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge: What'll you take 30 days or Rs 3000.
Santa: I think I'll take the money.

*****

Santa: I kiss my wife everyday before leaving for office, what about u?
Banta: Me too, after u leave.

*****

Santa & Banta got tired of mobile & decide 2 use pigeons. 1day a pigeon
reaches Banta without message. Angry Banta calls Santa!
Santa: Oye, this was a missed call

*****

Santa: I'm a proud father. My son is in medical college.
Banta: What's he studying?"
Santa: He's not studying, they are studying him!


*****


Q: A Man asked Santa, "Akal badhi ya bhains? "
A: Santa bola, "Pehle date of birth to batao."

*****

What's Ford?
Santa: Gaadi.
What's Oxford?
Santa: So simple, Bail Gaadi


*****


Banta sent sms to Santa: Bhejnewala mahan, padhnewala gadha.
Santa got angry and replied: Bhejnewala gadha, padhnewala mahan.


*****


Santa: My dad was an extremely brave man. He once entered a lion's cage.
Banta: He probably got a lot of applause ven he got out.
Santa: I didn't say he got out.

*****

Santa (reading from book of facts): "Do you know that every time I breathe
a man dies?" Banta: "Why don't you use a mouth wash ?"

*****

My wife and I need to exercisemore. Every time we leave the house we notice vultures circling overhead in anticipation and now our washing machine is doing that nasty thing where it shrinks our clothes. So, in a moment of pure inspiration and absolutely no intelligent thought whatsoever, we decide to take up mountain biking. We could remember biking as kids and there was nothing to it. We set out to purchase our bikes with the fond memory of a cool breeze gently blowing in our faces.

One of the first things we notice is that the seats are too small. Apparently they are now making the seats smaller than in our youth. The clerk smiles knowingly and smugly suggests that for the more mature biking enthusiasts they can attach foam padding. There is, of course, an extra charge. My wife chooses the extra padding and is currently riding around on what looks like a bucket seat from a 1967 Buick. I, on the other hand, have decided to save the additional expense and go without the padding. My proctologist has assured me that the tingling in my left buttock should eventually fade away.

Early Saturday morning we prepare for our first cycling adventure. We decide to leave early to insure we'll be back before dark. My wife is to travel in front and carry a fanny pack with suntan lotion, a first aid kit and our medical insurance cards. Her job is to set the pace. My job is to follow behind and criticize. I'll be carrying a backpack filled with: peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (for subsistence), energy bars (for endurance), 2 jugs of Gatorade (to replenish our bodily fluids), rain gear (in case of inclement weather), a map and compass (in case we get lost), a flashlight (in case we're lost at night), and signal flares (to assist the search party).

We go over the route one final time. I spread the map out on the kitchen table, pointer in hand. "This is the route we'll be taking, so pay close attention. If you have any questions, now is the time to ask."

I carefully review the emergency procedures. "If separated, we will rendezvous either here, at check-point Charlie, or here, at check-point Romeo."

"We've been over this four times already," my wife complains, obviously taking the whole adventure much too lightly and showing no respect for my superior training and experience. After all, I was the one who spent nearly two full years in the Cub Scouts, not her. Fortunately, I understand the seriousness of the task ahead and have taken the necessary precautions.

We're finally ready to put our weeks of training and preparations to use. It's time to venture forth and boldly go where no sane middle-aged man or woman has gone before -- it's time to leave our driveway.

I brief the kids. "Now remember, while we're gone I want one of you to remain by the phone at all times in case we need to call for assistance."

"But you're only going around the block," the kids complain. "The house will be in sight the entire time."

Ah, the innocence of youth. They oversimplify everything.